I'm lost and stupid without you.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
