Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
