you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
