Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
