So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
