Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
