good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
