my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
