You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
