She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
