True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
