i permit you to call me
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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