Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
