i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
