Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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