grandma shit on top of the toilet
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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