Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
