I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
