i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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