fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
