I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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