i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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