Banned from zoo.
Again?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
