dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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