Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
