it's too hot outside to masturbate.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
