I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
