in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
