dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
