god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
