Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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