Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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