The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
