If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
