Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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