my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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