therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
