Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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