"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
