pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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