Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
