OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Are my feet made of real feet?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
