I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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