matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
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He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
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My breasts were aching with rage.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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