Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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