My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
