whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
this just has baby written all over it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My ATM looks so different sober.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
