I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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