Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
