Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
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you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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