Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
