I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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