just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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