omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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