i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
