there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
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Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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