Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
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i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
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He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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