That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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