my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
