You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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