I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
