you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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