I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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