"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
