she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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