So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
