one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
